I don’t forgive you

I don’t forgive you for the way you hurt me during my childhood, Not protecting me from danger or harm, Not keeping me safe, When we used to go to Nans house at christmas knowing full well you’d all start drinking, and you would all start causing havoc fighting and smashing up the car, I don’t forgive you for the way you made me and my brother sit in the back seats of the car on shards of glass whilst you we’re drunk to the point you could smell it miles away.

I don’t forgive you for the constant threats you made to me as a child ‘I’ll smash your fucking face against that wall if you don’t shut the fuck up’ I don’t forgive you for any of them, You made me feel so emotionally unstable, never knew if you would be in a good mood or a bad mood, or violent, If you started drinking, you’d always be in a bad mood. Or violent. The slightest thing would make you tip, unless it was Adam, You’re little golden boy, he could never do anything wrong.

I don’t forgive you for the fact you knew Adam was sexually abusing me at night, and in the mornings, you walked in on him, i was screaming and crying begging for him to stop, or to kill me and take the pain away, You just said “show her who’s boss” closed the door and walked downstairs, why didn’t you protect me mum? I was your little girl, I needed your help. I was meant to be you’re princess.

I don’t forgive you for encouraging your drunken brother to beat me up, for money. For coming round to the house and making me fight. I don’t forgive you for the amount of bust noses, broken bones I got. It was all you’re fault. You never stopped it.

I don’t forgive you for making me miss school all the time because I couldn’t go in to lessons, to afraid to leave the house. You made me feel this way.

I don’t forgive you for leaving my fathers funeral early to go have sex with some random man who I presumed you’d been having sex with before my father died, The only person in my family I actually adored, i don’t forgive you for moving in with this man, two days after you burried my father, I thought you was in love with him?

I don’t forgive you for telling my whole Family I’m a lesbian and then mocking me because of it, at least my girlfriend shows me love and not you.

I don’t forgive you for threatening to kill me on the day of my sisters funeral. You’re a disgrace, No wonder your children got taken away from you.

 

Mum, I’m sorry, but when I was asked if i would ever forgive you for what you did to me, I simply can’t, you was never there for me during my childhood, you never kept me safe, you never made me feel loved, You didn’t stop the abuse, the hate. You wasn’t there for you’re daughter. I know if i had children, they wouldn’t be writting this blog now, like I am to you..I’ll be a Mum to my daughter. Unlike you.

But one thing i am thankful for.

Thankyou for showing me that, I deserve better…For making my life so misrable and in danger i had to move 300 miles away, and go though suicidal thoughts, attempts and depression, You know why I am thankful for that? Because I met the most amazing girl ever, Whos helped me out of my low moods, who’s been there through the ups, the downs, held me when I’ve cried, Laughed with me, and seen my real smiles. She makes me feel loved, safe, secure. All those things i always wanted. when I lived with you.

 

Passing of a neighbour

My neighbour recently died, she took an overdose of heroin, whilst we can’t decide if this was a suicide attempt or just a relapse from drugs, its safe to say it was sudden and we all became distraught and shocked.

She shares the name with one of my friends who committed suicide back in 2012. when i heared the news I was distraught,  shocked, numb all i kept imagining was her cold, lifeless body laying dead on a slab. not the way i wanted to remember her, the vibrant bubbly caring girl who often got on my nerves 😉 (sorry Ella).

Unable to attend her funeral, i started having the thoughts I was having again, the thoughts i was starting t get away from. The day after her funeral, i don’t really remember it much, I was cooking pasta and talking to some people in a support chat about how I needed my medication which I’d left at home (I was on holiday) and the next I recall is a police going through my stuff in the back of an ambulance, not entirley sure what happened, how the police got involved or how i was in an ambulance.

The next is all blury, i don’t remember going to hospital, which apaprently i did cause i’d been on a drip, had an endoscopy and other ‘checks and routines’ done, the next thing i remember is being told “Emily, we’re detaining you under section 2 of the Mental Health act” where i was to be admitted back to a pyschriatic unit.

Whilst in the Unit I had my antipyschotic medication doubled, My mood stabalisers re-started, i was so “drugged up” all i kept thinking about was Ella and how she’d died from drugs. I spent the majority of the time on the ward under 121s. The nurses became concerned for my safety and decided i needed to be constantly watched. Even in the shower and on the toilet, a little embarassing.

I miss Ella dearly, the place is really quiet without her, whenever i walk down the stairs i expect to hear her chirpy voice, and on wednesdays her knocking on my door asking if we’re going to cinemas. I’ll never understand why she did what she did, all I know is she was struggling..and now she’s gone..

I’ll never forget her, its too hard too

Goodbye my love..

See you shortly.

Section 136, Police Cells, New Years Drama

Happy New year everyone! Okay I’m 6 days late *sssh* We all say, New year, New start..New me ect ect. We all want the new year to be better than the ‘rubbish previous year’

I can already tell this year isn’t going to be great, New years Eve I had a breakdown I started to feel rubbish so I stayed at the reception where I live to try and become more calmer, I called the Crisis Team and told them I was feeling suicidal so they spoke to a member of staff who decided to put me on welfare checks, as the day progressed I felt more and more suicidal, Living on the 3rd floor overlooking the river I didn’t feel safe going to my room, so i text the police and told them I was a danger to myself.

The police came round and asked me what I wanted them to do, I had no idea but kept telling them I was going to jump out of my window. However because I wasn’t in a public place, they basically said they couldn’t do anything, So when they went downstairs, I went downstairs too and left the building. I proceeded to run in any direction, Before getting really distressed. The hostel called the police as they we’re worried that I hadn’t returned within an hour.

So the police found me, and detained me under section 136 of the Mental Health act and took me to the police station where I spent the night in a cell being watched by police officers, I don’t remember much, just it was freezing cold and i kept falling asleep and waking up with a police officer saying ‘take the blanket from over your head’

Eventually the morning came and the evening came, and I was given an assessment where it was decided i could go home, so 1st of January at 6pm I was allowed to go home!. Then at 2am on the 2nd of January I was admitted to Hospital with suicidal tendencies where I decided to go for a walk about and leave…