Police 136 and custody cells!

Part of my illness means I often go off on psychotic episodes especially during manic stages, Its often during my psychotic episodes that I get detained under the mental health act, Usually starting with a section 136 or a 5.2. During 136’s I end up being taken to a place of safety usually at a psychiatric hospital which has a specialist room or sometimes a whole building aimed for people who need assessing, or they get held in a police cell.

One time when I went psychotic, I was stood on a bridge screaming at the ducks and commanding that the water parts, I thought I was Jesus’s reincarnation and eventually someone called the police, I don’t remember who, or how long i was stood there for, I do remember being pinned down to the ground, My face smashing into the gravel and getting some dirt in my eye. Then told that I was being detained under a section 136 and I’d be going to hospital, they we’re so convinced I was going to be sectioned that they even stopped by my house and got me some clothes, The clothes i was wearing we’re soaking wet and I was shaking so much.

The police rang up the Crisis team to ask if there was a bed for me to stay in while I be assessed, There wasn’t any room, the four bed 136/135 suit was full of people and with it being a bank holiday there wasn’t likely to be any assessment’s anytime soon, meaning I had to go to a police cell. I was 18 years old and mentally unwell. I arrived at the police cell. shaking and crying I didn’t understand why I was in here, I was unwell. I was in need of help, and i was now being treated like a criminal. When I was being booked into custody they we’re asking me all sorts of questions “do you need a lawyer” Why I was just unwell I hadn’t done anything wrong” Then my belongings we’re all searched, The private letters in my pockets we’re read out loud. They contained things I didn’t want others to read. I was humiliated when they pulled my tampons out of my bag, Male police officers.

I was then taken to a cell, Not the cell i was going to be in for the night, a different cell, I walked in and they told me to take of my shoes, I thought this was normal procedure so I did, and then I was made to take of my jumper, my t-shirt and my trousers, then my pants, and it wasn’t long before i was standing there, completely naked. Then the words that never leave my mind “I need you to squat in front of me” I refused to, I was clinging on to my own bit of dignity I had left, then I was handcuffed, and had four more police officers enter the room, I wasn’t even sure if these we’re male or female, and then i was forced, faced down onto the bed, with my legs separated apart. I might of been Ill, but did i really need this sort of treatment?

After that, I was left shaking, crying so much I was sick all over the floor, I was then made to wear some paper thin clothes that they called a ‘suicide suit’ I wanted to die, I was so humiliated, I’d lost all my dignity, I’d lost all my self worth. I didn’t even have my own clothes on, How many people had worn this suit i was wearing? then I was dragged by my arms into another cell, where a police officer sat and watched me all night, whenever i moved he’d come in and pull the quilt cover of my head, or from near my head, I was so cold i was just trying to keep myself warm, and then he took the quilt of me, said i couldn’t be trusted with one i could be ‘harming’ myself under the quilt, With what? they’d taken everything from me. I couldn’t cope anymore, i sat and cried, and cried. Shaking, I was sick again, violently, they set of the panic button, got a nurse down, and said I’d ‘swallowed something’ I hadn’t.

I spent two days, in a freezing cold cell, Surrounded by the smell of sick and vomit, I didn’t have anything to eat as the only thing they had i couldn’t eat, I wasn’t offered anything to drink, I had a really bad headache from being sick and being dehydrated, Nobody asked how I was, Not once was I asked if i needed anything, I was so shaken up, cold, hungry and unwell. By the time a bed came up at the hospital, My temperature had got worryingly low. All of this because I was mentally unwell, If i had broken my Leg this would of been a different story. I think its about time that someone gives funding to mental health services, Locking someone up in a police cell, strip searching them and taking their dignity away from them just because they’re unwell, Isn’t right. Something needs to change…

I don’t forgive you

I don’t forgive you for the way you hurt me during my childhood, Not protecting me from danger or harm, Not keeping me safe, When we used to go to Nans house at christmas knowing full well you’d all start drinking, and you would all start causing havoc fighting and smashing up the car, I don’t forgive you for the way you made me and my brother sit in the back seats of the car on shards of glass whilst you we’re drunk to the point you could smell it miles away.

I don’t forgive you for the constant threats you made to me as a child ‘I’ll smash your fucking face against that wall if you don’t shut the fuck up’ I don’t forgive you for any of them, You made me feel so emotionally unstable, never knew if you would be in a good mood or a bad mood, or violent, If you started drinking, you’d always be in a bad mood. Or violent. The slightest thing would make you tip, unless it was Adam, You’re little golden boy, he could never do anything wrong.

I don’t forgive you for the fact you knew Adam was sexually abusing me at night, and in the mornings, you walked in on him, i was screaming and crying begging for him to stop, or to kill me and take the pain away, You just said “show her who’s boss” closed the door and walked downstairs, why didn’t you protect me mum? I was your little girl, I needed your help. I was meant to be you’re princess.

I don’t forgive you for encouraging your drunken brother to beat me up, for money. For coming round to the house and making me fight. I don’t forgive you for the amount of bust noses, broken bones I got. It was all you’re fault. You never stopped it.

I don’t forgive you for making me miss school all the time because I couldn’t go in to lessons, to afraid to leave the house. You made me feel this way.

I don’t forgive you for leaving my fathers funeral early to go have sex with some random man who I presumed you’d been having sex with before my father died, The only person in my family I actually adored, i don’t forgive you for moving in with this man, two days after you burried my father, I thought you was in love with him?

I don’t forgive you for telling my whole Family I’m a lesbian and then mocking me because of it, at least my girlfriend shows me love and not you.

I don’t forgive you for threatening to kill me on the day of my sisters funeral. You’re a disgrace, No wonder your children got taken away from you.

 

Mum, I’m sorry, but when I was asked if i would ever forgive you for what you did to me, I simply can’t, you was never there for me during my childhood, you never kept me safe, you never made me feel loved, You didn’t stop the abuse, the hate. You wasn’t there for you’re daughter. I know if i had children, they wouldn’t be writting this blog now, like I am to you..I’ll be a Mum to my daughter. Unlike you.

But one thing i am thankful for.

Thankyou for showing me that, I deserve better…For making my life so misrable and in danger i had to move 300 miles away, and go though suicidal thoughts, attempts and depression, You know why I am thankful for that? Because I met the most amazing girl ever, Whos helped me out of my low moods, who’s been there through the ups, the downs, held me when I’ve cried, Laughed with me, and seen my real smiles. She makes me feel loved, safe, secure. All those things i always wanted. when I lived with you.