I don’t forgive you

I don’t forgive you for the way you hurt me during my childhood, Not protecting me from danger or harm, Not keeping me safe, When we used to go to Nans house at christmas knowing full well you’d all start drinking, and you would all start causing havoc fighting and smashing up the car, I don’t forgive you for the way you made me and my brother sit in the back seats of the car on shards of glass whilst you we’re drunk to the point you could smell it miles away.

I don’t forgive you for the constant threats you made to me as a child ‘I’ll smash your fucking face against that wall if you don’t shut the fuck up’ I don’t forgive you for any of them, You made me feel so emotionally unstable, never knew if you would be in a good mood or a bad mood, or violent, If you started drinking, you’d always be in a bad mood. Or violent. The slightest thing would make you tip, unless it was Adam, You’re little golden boy, he could never do anything wrong.

I don’t forgive you for the fact you knew Adam was sexually abusing me at night, and in the mornings, you walked in on him, i was screaming and crying begging for him to stop, or to kill me and take the pain away, You just said “show her who’s boss” closed the door and walked downstairs, why didn’t you protect me mum? I was your little girl, I needed your help. I was meant to be you’re princess.

I don’t forgive you for encouraging your drunken brother to beat me up, for money. For coming round to the house and making me fight. I don’t forgive you for the amount of bust noses, broken bones I got. It was all you’re fault. You never stopped it.

I don’t forgive you for making me miss school all the time because I couldn’t go in to lessons, to afraid to leave the house. You made me feel this way.

I don’t forgive you for leaving my fathers funeral early to go have sex with some random man who I presumed you’d been having sex with before my father died, The only person in my family I actually adored, i don’t forgive you for moving in with this man, two days after you burried my father, I thought you was in love with him?

I don’t forgive you for telling my whole Family I’m a lesbian and then mocking me because of it, at least my girlfriend shows me love and not you.

I don’t forgive you for threatening to kill me on the day of my sisters funeral. You’re a disgrace, No wonder your children got taken away from you.

 

Mum, I’m sorry, but when I was asked if i would ever forgive you for what you did to me, I simply can’t, you was never there for me during my childhood, you never kept me safe, you never made me feel loved, You didn’t stop the abuse, the hate. You wasn’t there for you’re daughter. I know if i had children, they wouldn’t be writting this blog now, like I am to you..I’ll be a Mum to my daughter. Unlike you.

But one thing i am thankful for.

Thankyou for showing me that, I deserve better…For making my life so misrable and in danger i had to move 300 miles away, and go though suicidal thoughts, attempts and depression, You know why I am thankful for that? Because I met the most amazing girl ever, Whos helped me out of my low moods, who’s been there through the ups, the downs, held me when I’ve cried, Laughed with me, and seen my real smiles. She makes me feel loved, safe, secure. All those things i always wanted. when I lived with you.

 

A Girl called Megan.

I grew up with a girl called Megan, a year older than me. We met a few days after I turned two, she pushed me of the little bike thing I was playing on at a childcare centre, and gave me a biscuit she had dribbled over as a “sorry” when I cried. Even then Megan wasn’t a fan of saying the word Sorry! She showed her personality and I became her Friend. Every-time we we’re at the childcare centre together we would hide in the bushes and scare the staff. Well we thought we we’re scaring them!

I wouldn’t of thought so many years later Megan would still be my Best-Friend. A lot of people talk about their friends and say “we did everything together” but me and Megan actually did, You never saw one of us, without the other. I could just walk in Megan’s house, kick of my shoes and put my feet up, ‘I’m home’ I’d declare like I actually lived there! I sometimes think I actually did.

When I was 16 I started going to college, a different one then Megan went too. We used to message each other all the time, I’d be told “Emily get of your phone” oops. Megan had her 18^th Birthday on the 24^th April, I’d just turned 17. I went to her house with cake, balloons and presents. She ate so much she was nearly sick! Not nice.

6 days later and I woke up to a text from Megan “Emily, I’m feeling really low. I just can’t get myself out of bed” Megan had been suffering with Depression for a number of years after a tragic abuse by the hands of a family member. She never let it show though. I saw some scars on her wrists but I helped her to overcome that, I was convinced she was getting better.

I told her to go to sleep, I’d ring her during my break and pop round during lunch time. She agreed and went to bed. Checking my phone during class, Megan wasn’t responding so I presumed she was in bed. So I went onto social networking sites like Facebook and Tumblr, I saw her messages “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t see the light, I’m sorry Everybody”

When her phone was turned off I started to get worried, I left a message on her answer phone asking her to ring me straight away, Unable to go around at lunch time due to having a meeting, I lost signal in most parts of the college building, I checked my phone 30 minutes before the Bell 17 missed calls. Panicking I left and went to my Learning Mentors office, I was stood talking to her about the fact I’d moved out of my parents house.

Then I checked Facebook and saw loads of statuses “Rest In Peace Megan, You we’re such a beautiful girl”  I hate it when people say “you we’re beautiful” Megan always is beautiful if she’s alive or not! But I couldn’t believe what I was saying, My beautiful Best-friend had taken her own life. I constantly blamed myself.

I went white and pail and my learning mentor Natalie asked me if I felt unwell, I told her “Megan’s dead” she just went silent. The news hadn’t hit me yet, and we started walking upstairs. By the time we’d got to the top of the stairs, it hit me. And it hit me very very Hard, I collapsed into tears at the top of the stairs screaming, and crying. I just couldn’t believe it.

Wasn’t there something I could do? Hadn’t I seen the warning signs clearly enough? What had happened that day? Why had she done this? Why hadn’t she spoken to me about it? I had so many questions unanswered, questions that would never be answered.

On April 30^th, aged 18 and 6 days old. My Best-friend, someone I’d been friends with for 15 years. Took her own life. Leaving me left in despair.  I tried learning how to adapt without her. There was no more phone calls, No more singing, No more movie nights, no more dinner dates, No more random conversations.

There was no more goofy photos, No more sleepovers, No more dog walking, No more exploding cakes, No more shopping trips, No more ‘animal fights’ No more anything.

But what there was a hole in my heart, a Megan shaped hole. A hole that could never be filled, there were questions, feelings of guilt, blame, tears, Loneliness and my own Mental Health.

I started selling wristbands in Megan’s memory…

http://suicideawareness.bigcartel.com/

I’ll never forget my Amazing Bestfriend

I also made this youtube clip to get people who are suicidal to REACH OUT…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aLWixDhzgw

Please, if you or someone you know is suicidal, please..do everything you can to get help, or give them help..it hurts so much to loose someone.

‘My Brains Poorly’ Explaining Mental Illness

I remember telling my now 12 year old sister, who was three at the time, the reason she lives with Auntie Vicky is because when she was born mummy had a poorly brain and had to stay in Hospital, and that she had to live with Auntie Vicky till mummy came out. She asked why she still lived with Auntie vicky if mummy was out of hospital, I replied saying that Mummys brain is still poorly but she’s getting better and Auntie Vicky would be very sad if she left her.

How do you explain to a child that they’re mother is in a Psychiatric Hospital for trying to kill themselves a month after they we’re born? How do you explain to a child that the reason they’re mum tried to kill them self is because they’re mum wanted a boy, Not a female? Or How do you explain to a child that they’re mum doesn’t want them?

I struggled to find the words, and my sister Ellie grew up thinking my Mum had a poorly Brain, she didn’t know what it meant until my Auntie had the ‘Talk’ with her when she turned 11, She didn’t tell her all the details, She told her shortly before (Myself) was born my mum had a little Boy (Jay) who had died at three days old, and it triggered off some bad thoughts, memories and emotions in my Mum, which when she had me & then Ellie and we weren’t male, it caused my mum to become really suicidal and try and take her own life. Where she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and Ellie having to live with my Auntie, and the chances she would never return home.

I sit and wonder now, If I had children of my Own, How would I explain to my children that my ‘Brain is Poorly’ I’ve struggled with Mental Illness for a very long time now and my Arms took the worse of it, My arms tell a story that my Mouth never could, I have scars that will never disappear and will be there for life and one day, a little child will ask me ‘How did you get them marks’ I now, Wonder what I would say if I’d lie and say “I was in an accident” or if I’d do the same I did to my sister, and tell them I had a Poorly Brain.

I know when my sister is feeling low, she tells my Auntie she is going to bed, Because she feels like Her Brains starting to Get poorly, I just hope history doesn’t repeat itself…